Thank God for George W. Bush

The regular reader of this blog (Hi Achmed!) may be puzzled by the title of today's entry. I have been a frequent critic of still-President Bush. But unlike right-wing critics, who wouldn't say something nice about Bill Clinton if he had saved an orphanage from nuclear attack, we on the left must give thanks when it's called for.

Sure, we've spent the last 8 years wishing we had a President who could interpret "Osama Bin Laden Determined to Attack U.S." as some kind of warning. Or who could quickly evaluate the relative importance of responding to attacks on the U.S. versus the reading of "My Pet Goat" (spoiler alert: the goat ends up fine). Or who would spend time thinking about Osama Bin Laden, and keep our armed forces searching for him, rather than diverting them against a country that poses no threat to the U.S. but who tried to attack his daddy. Or who would keep his oath to protect and defend the constitution. Or who would obey laws. Or who would understand that a briefing that warns him that the levees might break when a hurricane hits New Orleans means that people have in fact foreseen that the levees might break. Or who could figure out that an unregulated financial industry that bases the country's entire economic safety on loans provided to people with no known income might not be a great idea. Or who could pronounce "nuclear."

But that's all in the past. Now, the country is in a financial crisis, and if there's one thing this country needs, it's an expert in financial bailouts. And if there's one thing Bush knows about, it's financial bailouts. He's the freaking Albert Einstein of receiving financial bailouts. Every company that he ever ran, he ran right into the ground. He always ran to his daddy, and his daddy always got his buddies to rescue him. Including his buddies in the Bin Laden family. And Bush walked away from each debacle with a nice golden parachute. Finally we know what the Republicans meant when they called him the "CEO President."

But, you ask, what can we do when our expert in financial bailouts leaves office? There is only one choice: John McCain. After all, who could know more about failures in the financial industry than a founding member of the Keating 5? And, if you review his economic plan, you have to admit he knows what he's talking about (when you review the video on his plan, pay particular attention to his tip to "avoid talking about your current wife." Majorly good advice there).